Preparing Your Children to Visit a Grandparent in Memory Care
Visits from grandchildren can be among the most positive experiences for a resident with dementia. Children are often less self-conscious than adults about the situation, more willing to engage in the moment, and less burdened by grief about who the grandparent used to be. A child who holds a grandparent’s hand and sings a song together is doing something genuinely valuable.
But visits that go poorly — where the child is frightened by something they did not expect, or where the grandparent’s behavior is confusing or distressing — can have a real impact on a child who loves their grandparent and does not understand what is happening.
Preparation makes the difference.
What to Tell Children Before the Visit
The amount of detail to share depends on the child’s age and what they already understand, but the core message applies to all ages: Grandma’s (or Grandpa’s) brain is sick in a way that affects her memory and sometimes how she acts. It is not her fault. She still loves you, even if she does not always show it the same way.
For younger children (roughly 4-8): Keep it simple and concrete. “Grandma has a sickness that makes her brain confused sometimes. She might not remember your name, or she might say things that don’t make sense. That is okay. We can still hold her hand and talk to her. It makes her happy even if she can’t always show it.”
For older children and teens: More detail is appropriate. Explain what dementia is in honest terms — that it is a disease that affects memory, thinking, and behavior; that it is not contagious; that the person is still the same person inside even when the disease makes them seem very different. Acknowledge that it might be hard to see, and that sad feelings about it are completely normal.
Answer the questions they ask. Children often ask harder questions than adults expect (“Is she going to die from this?”) and deserve honest, age-appropriate answers.
What to Prepare Them for Specifically
Think about what might happen during the visit and talk through it ahead of time:
Grandparent might not recognize them. This is often the most shocking thing for a child who is used to being recognized and celebrated. Prepare them: “She might not know your name when we walk in. That is okay. You can tell her your name and that you are her grandchild. She still knows someone she loves is visiting.”
Grandparent might say something confusing or strange. “Sometimes the sickness makes people say things that do not make sense, or remember things wrong. Just stay calm — you do not have to correct her. You can just listen.”
Grandparent might get upset or want to leave. “If she seems upset or scared, we will help her calm down. It is not because of anything you did.”
The place might look or smell different from home. Briefly describing the environment (a care community, with other people there, staff who help) helps demystify it.
What to Do During the Visit
Visits to residents with dementia often work best with low-expectation activities: sitting together, looking at photographs, listening to familiar music, doing something simple side by side.
Help the child engage rather than just observe. Can they show the grandparent a drawing? Bring a favorite book? Bring a photo from a recent family event and tell a story about it? The activity does not need to be complicated. The presence is the point.
Keep visits reasonably short, especially for younger children. Thirty minutes can be a meaningful visit; two hours can exhaust everyone, including the resident.
If the Visit Goes Badly
Sometimes a visit is hard despite the best preparation. The grandparent is agitated, or doesn’t respond at all, or says something hurtful that is clearly the disease. Let the child know it is okay to feel whatever they feel — sad, confused, a little angry. Those feelings make sense.
Debrief afterward: “That was hard today. How are you doing? Do you have any questions about what happened?” Children often need permission to process what they observed, and they need to hear that the grandparent’s behavior is not a reflection of how much they are loved.
Visits Are Worth It
For families with parents and grandparents in communities like those in the Irish Road area of Neenah or assisted living in Milwaukee, intergenerational visits are often the most genuinely joyful moments in a resident’s week. They do not have to be polished or perfect. A child being present, singing, or simply holding a grandparent’s hand is meaningful.
Help the children in your family be part of this chapter of their grandparent’s life. With the right preparation, most children handle it better than adults expect — and come away with something irreplaceable.